(...)
Been experiencing some despair recently. Frustration maybe, and lots of lethargy. Mostly playing video games, which I rarely do.
I'm thinking that too much of what I'm reading about primitivism recently is charged with personality wars, and vitriol.
I don't know what to do. Probably needs to be worked through. Feeling scared. Ran keeps bringing up the collapse of the dollar. I'm scared of that. Starting to understand when people say they don't want the collapse (that is, a hard crash) to come yet. Just a little more time. I want a little more time. Not prepared enough, yet not doing enough about it. Mostly mental decolonization. I'm reminded, unpleasantly, that words can only go so far. All the books in the world, with all the right ideas, are insufficient. I can't rewild in a library.
I used to really want the hard crash, and quick. Makes things easier. Slow crash, puttering engines of civilization, ending in a whimper, are much less dramatic, but much more difficult. I also have trouble experiencing the rage of a dying world right now, being too preoccupied with personal affairs, mostly finances and food. Of course I want the global holocaust to really start teetering. But more viscerally, I just want my school loans paid off and my rewilding journey to begin in earnest. Gotta remember that every moment is a gift. Don't have forever. Should seize it, not (just) out of guilt and fear, but of joy in the act of remembering, reliving, what it is to be more fully human.
I like forceful statements about timelines. Collapse for 2012, like a slogan. Helps me get motivated. I keep falling back to 'well, it hasn't happened yet, I have plenty of time.' Obviously untrue- the collapse has been going on for a century, maybe since World War I, and the formation of the splinter states afterward. Maybe with the accelerated rate of ecological breakdown. Maybe just with all of the momentum of civilization coming to a head in any of the various problems evident. Gotta keep this in mind.
Contradictions. Living with contradictions. Discomfort with that, yet satisfaction with it. Mentally overtaxed from philosophical musings. I want to return to the immediacy of embodied living. Hard to do within cities, ripe environments for infinitely introspective deconstruction, postmodernism, etc.
...
/sentence fragments.
I'm thinking that too much of what I'm reading about primitivism recently is charged with personality wars, and vitriol.
I don't know what to do. Probably needs to be worked through. Feeling scared. Ran keeps bringing up the collapse of the dollar. I'm scared of that. Starting to understand when people say they don't want the collapse (that is, a hard crash) to come yet. Just a little more time. I want a little more time. Not prepared enough, yet not doing enough about it. Mostly mental decolonization. I'm reminded, unpleasantly, that words can only go so far. All the books in the world, with all the right ideas, are insufficient. I can't rewild in a library.
I used to really want the hard crash, and quick. Makes things easier. Slow crash, puttering engines of civilization, ending in a whimper, are much less dramatic, but much more difficult. I also have trouble experiencing the rage of a dying world right now, being too preoccupied with personal affairs, mostly finances and food. Of course I want the global holocaust to really start teetering. But more viscerally, I just want my school loans paid off and my rewilding journey to begin in earnest. Gotta remember that every moment is a gift. Don't have forever. Should seize it, not (just) out of guilt and fear, but of joy in the act of remembering, reliving, what it is to be more fully human.
I like forceful statements about timelines. Collapse for 2012, like a slogan. Helps me get motivated. I keep falling back to 'well, it hasn't happened yet, I have plenty of time.' Obviously untrue- the collapse has been going on for a century, maybe since World War I, and the formation of the splinter states afterward. Maybe with the accelerated rate of ecological breakdown. Maybe just with all of the momentum of civilization coming to a head in any of the various problems evident. Gotta keep this in mind.
Contradictions. Living with contradictions. Discomfort with that, yet satisfaction with it. Mentally overtaxed from philosophical musings. I want to return to the immediacy of embodied living. Hard to do within cities, ripe environments for infinitely introspective deconstruction, postmodernism, etc.
...
/sentence fragments.
posted by Archangel at 10:26 PM
9 Comments:
I'm having similar feelings of despair and lack of motivation at the moment. I started to write a post about it earlier today but couldn't even finish that. But I feel I'm gaining some momentum now. Thanks for sharing your troubles.
Ditto. I had a horrible day yesterday and ended up completely overwhelmed and in tears.
"I'm thinking that too much of what I'm reading about primitivism recently is charged with personality wars, and vitriol."
You'll find that most of anything you read at the moment is a combination of personality wars, made worse by appalling communication. Frustrating.
"Just a little more time. I want a little more time."
I always feel like this. Being one of the younger writers among our group, I really wish I had another 10 years of experience behind me. I want to write so much, but I am rushed into preparing for the future, and keeping myself focused on what's happening around me. Loads of other great writers had decades before anything big happened to them. Why does civilisation itself have to start crumbling when I start writing goddamnit!
After getting really upset last night, mainly through pure frustration, I was going to write a post in this style, with each sentence starting with "I wish.." but I stopped myself in the end, because I think I tend to use writing as an escape (sometimes) and as some confirmation that "I'm over" whatever I've just put into words, when I'm really not.
Regardless, today I've had a really good day. The problem at the moment for me is that I keep getting higher highs and lower lows, and I keep bouncing between the two.
The book I just read has really helped with all this though - I did a summary of it here and then added some more points on my latest blog post. It's messages are really profound and inspiring once you can see the message underneath the science.
Negativity is almost like a drug. We are fascinated by the morbid. Our news feeds us such things because we are addicted to it. The negative emotions you are feeling are likely nothing more than you tapping into what just about everyone is feeling.
I honestly feel we can change the course of things. If I didn't I wouldn't be wasting my time with all that I do. I don't believe it is inevitable. The collapse is likely, but not inevitable. I really think we unconsciously focus on negative things sometimes in order to make an unconscious, mandatory course correction. At least that is what I tell myself.
You are an intelligent person. You are more aware of what is going on in the world than 90% of the population. You are taking steps to prepare as best you can. Hey, you've got it going on...
It will work out.
I have been wanting to blog about something I read in a magazine, but I am just paralyzed with despair over the whole thing. Gawd, I HATE being sensitive, sometimes.
Plus, today and the rest of the week, I'll be working long hours and will be too tired to think or write.
But as for the crash, I don't care. I really don't. It will either be hard, or it will be soft. If it's hard, then I guess I will just die of starvation. I don't own land, my credit is too bad to get a loan to buy some property. I can't garden indoors b/c my cats would mess around with it. I don't have any survival skills, and I don't know that I'm motivated to get them. Because who knows what will happen? You could be an expert at wilderness survival and end up playing out the end of your life in some prison being anally raped by the Mexican Mafia or whatever the hell they call them. Who's to say that a crash would involve you landing in a wilderness area with deer, a lake full of fish and a group of people you can stand to be around?
I'm smart and I can learn new things. I can pick up the necessary skills as I need them. But I will probably have an equal or greater chance of dying of starvation or dying of something else.
And you know what? I don't care. I mean, I will die anyway. I never understood the fuss and bother with death. Everyone dies. You can't NOT die. So, what's the big deal? My understanding is that starvation is a fairly kind way to die. Your hunger drive goes away.
Sometimes I get sick of reading all these the-end-of-the-world-is-nigh bloggers. All they do is get me upset and you can't do anything about it anyway. Am I really to believe that every single person driving a fucking minivan DOESN'T know anything about the environment, or peak oil? None of them? Of course they do, BUT THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE! And I've gotten weary with the strain of worrying about all the idiot humans who are less intelligent than slugs and have no interests beyond their stupid status cars and clothes and their lack of civility and their rude manners and their consumerist, wasteful lifestyles.
Hmm, I think working 12 hours isn't good for my psyche. :-) And here I am with no beer in the house. *sigh*
Hi all,
Thanks for responding.
Tom: Thanks for stopping by. Good luck with the momentum, and if you'd like, send me a link to your blog (can't access your profile). I'd be interested to see some of your words.
Dan: It seems that it was about a 24 hour bout of whatever for me. It started Tuesday night, and continued throughout the day Wednesday, but a a couple of burritos later after a nap, I was better. Your words were helpful and much appreciated.
As for highs and lows, I definitely understand. There's some bipolar disorder in my family, and I wouldn't be surprised if it comes out more fully at some point for me, since I experience some symptoms like that periodically. Just gotta ride the wave, I guess.
And I'm in the modst of your last few posts. I'm mostly through with Tilt, Part 1, and have the Lipton post forthcoming.
Frank: Much appreciated comments as well. I suspect often that our emotions and mental states are deeply important in re-shaping this world (something I think I saw hinted at in Dan's recent posts), and not just from a materialist sense of good thoughts aiding good actions, but from a holistic sense of mind/body being integrated and inseparable and deeply impactful on each other.
I think also that you may be onto something about the focus on negativity being a self-correcting mechanism. That's cool.
Marcy: Those are some good points. We don't know what the future will hold, either collectively or personally, and an emphasis on wilderness skills to the exclusion of others is probably silly. For me, learning survival skills is both fun and useful, not just for the actual skills gained, but for the emotional aspect of learning something new and being confident in my abilities to do so, and to more fully take my lfe into my own hands. In that latter sense, any new skills gained would work, not just wilderness ones.
And you're right. I'm sure lost of people know but don't care. That was a big revelation to me when I first became vegan and crafted impeccable arguments, given the premises (which I no longer agree with), and be met with nothing but nods of affirmation or a begrudging acceptance of the logic, and followed by no change in action whatsoever. I couldn't udnerstand it, since I always thught that if the logic is there, people will naturally gravitate toward it and act based on its conclusions. Not so. (Interestingly, I think that highlights the aggressive nature of logic, and how it's often used to badger people into certain actions, an aspect which I am pretty critical of now).
The truth is, as you've pointed out, that some people know and don't care. Willful ignorance, rather than ignorance straight up. That's why I think now that, yeah, anti-civ folks will never convince the world, and that needn't be our task, since it's more or less doomed to failure. The point is, what can I do to prepare for a post-civilized world. That can be any number of things, from mental decolonization, to raising healthy children, to wilderness or permaculture skills, to militant actions, to making people laugh. Diversity of tactics and acceptence of its necessity.
I think that you're probably right- being smart, i.e. adapatble is probably our best asset, and more likely to help us through any trubled times ahead than a myopic emphasis on traits applicable to one narrow possible vision of the future.
Oh and- death. It's our contribution to the web that gaves us life, and of course can't be escaped. But I'm still fearful of it, I think mostly because I don't feel connected to that web of life in meaningful ways. Maybe wisdom and experience will temper my fear of death.
Thanks again, y'all.
Haha, that's tom campbell.
I'm with Marcy. Death isn't such a big deal. I know about all the insecurity of the world but it doesn't matter to me. All it signifies is that I need to be flexible and adaptable, rather than rigid and unchanging. This is appealing on so many other levels than just a response to supposed upcoming tragedy that the collapse stuff is entirely irrelevant.
One of the books that has had the most influence on me is Thich Nhat Hanh's No Death No Fear, which totally kicked my ass. Grasp (or rather, flow with) impermanence and all of this futurology is irrelevant. Just. doesn't. matter. "In three hundred years, where will you be and where will I be?" Very scary to the ego, but very reassuring to our deeper sense of self. Thank the gods, nothing lasts forever 'cept impermanence.
- Devin
Devin:
I've been wanting to read some of Thich Nhat Hanh's stuff. You've just given me a great place to start.
As for my persistence in my hatred of technology, another reason is that medical technology makes death worse than it need be.
Certainly, medical advances are awesome when it comes to things like trauma and accidents. But when it comes to getting older and preparing to die, their track record is abysmal. I've never seen such ridiculousness in all my life. The fact that they BY DEFAULT resuscitate anyone and everyone, and you have to specifically tell them (or write it in a document) to NOT resuscitate is ridiculous. Instead of making death something you just slip into, they've made it so that humans have to fight to die. They have to want to die so much that they overcome all the obstacles that the medical establishment puts in their way.
I guess the term euthanasia means "good death." My grandmother had that. She had cancer that she never got any treatment for (and it never did spread, btw), and she was bedridden for the last several months of her life. She gradually lost her appetite, and then she quit eating altogether. She was given vicodin for the pain, and she had hospice nurses come in. My family visited frequently, but the hospice nurses told my aunt what signs to look for when death was nigh, and my aunt called us one night and said, "Mom is going tonight." We went to the house, all my grandma's children and a couple grandchildren were there. We sang her favorite hymn as she left.
I bawled my eyes out three straight days, and then I was at peace with it. It was such a different death than my other grandparents one of whom I never saw b/c he was in a hospital that wouldn't allow anyone but "immediate" family, and grandchildren were not considered immediate. I think my grandpap had acquired a nosocomial infection before he died, too. Great. One last humiliation from civilization before you die.
I'll take starvation or snakebite over a life support machine anytime.
To just briefly touch on the technology bit one more time -- I understand where you're coming from, Marcy. I can frame some of my powerful stories as a hatred of technology, but I prefer not to do so. Far more powerful, meaningful, and readily understood is "my grandfather is being kept alive by machines. he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't know who I am. he's only alive because we have such an intense fear of death that we turn life into a living hell. it's extremely painful for me to see him like this, I wish we were able to let go."
It's related to technology, yes. Technology is an aspect of the systems we're a part of, yes. But I don't hate civilization, nor do I hate technology. These things are so abstract, they couldn't possibly be the root of my emotions. So I look deeper, and I discover -- it hurts, a lot, to see my grandfather that way. And it hurt to go to school. And it hurts that people live so far apart. And it hurts that people spend so much time in boxes. And on and on.
When we try to tell our stories with our intellects, we're not telling our stories at all. And our stories are all we have.
That's most of what I'm saying, really.
- Devin
thanks for informing me that you couldn't access my profile. that damn switch to beta (or "new blogger" now, i guess) made my profile un-shared without my knowledge.
and thanks devin for passing the link on for me.
/profile shared
Post a Comment
<< Home